Domestic Violence! What A New Dimension.
I attended a meeting called by a wife beater who wanted his wife back. The woman, in her late twenties, ran away 2 months ago when the man beat her and almost destroyed her eye.
She ran home to her people with her 1 and a half years old daughter -her only child. And the man's only child.
The man came with some elders of his church to the wife's family for the meeting. The man himself is a choirmaster.
I didn't want to attend the meeting. I hate women beaters . I am usually repulsed at their sight. But that family, lovely family, pleaded with me to attend and offer my mediation skill . So I attended.
I should not have attended. I lost it when the beater was called upon to say what happened and what he came for.
The man has no iota of shame. He said that what led to him almost killing the mother of his child had to do with tooth paste! That the woman uses too much paste whenever she wants to brush her teeth. I mean, he came all the way with elders to complain about toothpaste! And the way he said it, you would see that he wanted the house to see reasons with him. I couldn't stand it anymore. I cut him short and asked him to sit down. Even the elders he came with put their faces down.
The lady told the house that the beating issue has always been there before the toothpaste saga. That she receives his beatings regularly. Cruel, serious beatings. Many times she faints and he leaves her for dead and runs away.
She told of how the man stopped her from working. I mean she had to go and resign! She gave all her life savings from the job to him to open his shop which is now the only source of income of the family. The man acknowledged this.
Next the man asked her to leave her house and move in with him. This came with persuasion and cajoling. He brought in his friends to plead and talk to her to move in. The man did not dispute this.
Next, he urged her to have a child for him. He brought elders, including their landlord, to be witnesses that once she gives birth to a child, he will come and start marriage rites. So, the woman took in and delivered a lovely baby girl but to this day the man has not even talked about coming to get the family list for marriage. The guy confirmed her story with a nod.
Then she started telling the house about the uncountable beatings she has received in the hands of the man. The one that stands out was when she was 8 month pregnant with their daughter. The man beat her so hard and kicked he on her belly. She fainted and the man ran. It was the landlord and compound people who came to her rescue. She woke up hours later to see herself almost naked with water all over her. A woman carrying 8 months pregnancy!
It dawned on me that I was sitting next to a complete beast. I started shifting away. I mean, even lower animals treat their pregnant specie with kindness and care. This man is worse than a beast.
My role in the meeting changed. I could not in all fair conscience sit and mediate and allow someone's daughter to go home to such an animal. And to worsen it, the man did not strike me as remorseful. He simply didn't get it. He seemed to wonder why everyone was not on his side. Like most women beaters, he was completely unaware of the enormity of his actions.
I asked the man to cut his story short and tell the house exactly what he came for. Funny guy. He asked me what he should say. I told him, 'you mean you asked us to gather and you traveled all the way down and I am the one to tell you what you want'? At that point, the elders he came with whispered words to him. He then stood up and said he came to say sorry to the family of the girl and to take her back! Notice, no sorry to the person who was beaten .No self awareness.
It was as if everyone in the meeting had discussed before. But we didn't. One by one, nobody supported the woman going back to the man. We said if she decides to go back, she is on her own. To mediate and ask her to return home would be to send her to her grave. Most women beaters do miss their victims. It has nothing to do with love.
The high point of the occasion for me was when their daughter, torn between 2 parents, started to cry when the man was about to leave. The man called the woman outside and we later found out he was asking her to go back with him.
As I watched him go back with the elders, I shook my head. I wish there is a legislation to make women beaters to permanently lose the right to marry or put a woman in the house ever again .
Question:
1. What is it with (some) men and domestic violence?
2. Why can't women just take a walk from it all without looking back?
3. Why should you resign from a JOB because he said so?
4. What is your advice to people going through domestic violence?
She ran home to her people with her 1 and a half years old daughter -her only child. And the man's only child.
The man came with some elders of his church to the wife's family for the meeting. The man himself is a choirmaster.
I didn't want to attend the meeting. I hate women beaters . I am usually repulsed at their sight. But that family, lovely family, pleaded with me to attend and offer my mediation skill . So I attended.
I should not have attended. I lost it when the beater was called upon to say what happened and what he came for.
The man has no iota of shame. He said that what led to him almost killing the mother of his child had to do with tooth paste! That the woman uses too much paste whenever she wants to brush her teeth. I mean, he came all the way with elders to complain about toothpaste! And the way he said it, you would see that he wanted the house to see reasons with him. I couldn't stand it anymore. I cut him short and asked him to sit down. Even the elders he came with put their faces down.
The lady told the house that the beating issue has always been there before the toothpaste saga. That she receives his beatings regularly. Cruel, serious beatings. Many times she faints and he leaves her for dead and runs away.
She told of how the man stopped her from working. I mean she had to go and resign! She gave all her life savings from the job to him to open his shop which is now the only source of income of the family. The man acknowledged this.
Next the man asked her to leave her house and move in with him. This came with persuasion and cajoling. He brought in his friends to plead and talk to her to move in. The man did not dispute this.
Next, he urged her to have a child for him. He brought elders, including their landlord, to be witnesses that once she gives birth to a child, he will come and start marriage rites. So, the woman took in and delivered a lovely baby girl but to this day the man has not even talked about coming to get the family list for marriage. The guy confirmed her story with a nod.
Then she started telling the house about the uncountable beatings she has received in the hands of the man. The one that stands out was when she was 8 month pregnant with their daughter. The man beat her so hard and kicked he on her belly. She fainted and the man ran. It was the landlord and compound people who came to her rescue. She woke up hours later to see herself almost naked with water all over her. A woman carrying 8 months pregnancy!
It dawned on me that I was sitting next to a complete beast. I started shifting away. I mean, even lower animals treat their pregnant specie with kindness and care. This man is worse than a beast.
My role in the meeting changed. I could not in all fair conscience sit and mediate and allow someone's daughter to go home to such an animal. And to worsen it, the man did not strike me as remorseful. He simply didn't get it. He seemed to wonder why everyone was not on his side. Like most women beaters, he was completely unaware of the enormity of his actions.
I asked the man to cut his story short and tell the house exactly what he came for. Funny guy. He asked me what he should say. I told him, 'you mean you asked us to gather and you traveled all the way down and I am the one to tell you what you want'? At that point, the elders he came with whispered words to him. He then stood up and said he came to say sorry to the family of the girl and to take her back! Notice, no sorry to the person who was beaten .No self awareness.
It was as if everyone in the meeting had discussed before. But we didn't. One by one, nobody supported the woman going back to the man. We said if she decides to go back, she is on her own. To mediate and ask her to return home would be to send her to her grave. Most women beaters do miss their victims. It has nothing to do with love.
The high point of the occasion for me was when their daughter, torn between 2 parents, started to cry when the man was about to leave. The man called the woman outside and we later found out he was asking her to go back with him.
As I watched him go back with the elders, I shook my head. I wish there is a legislation to make women beaters to permanently lose the right to marry or put a woman in the house ever again .
Question:
1. What is it with (some) men and domestic violence?
2. Why can't women just take a walk from it all without looking back?
3. Why should you resign from a JOB because he said so?
4. What is your advice to people going through domestic violence?
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